Helping Children Face Their Fears
I have previously mentioned Dr Justin Coulson – a child-rearing and family author (and also recently appearing on a parenting TV show). I recently came across an article by Dr Coulson regarding helping children face their fears. I provide the highlights of the piece for you, as I think there are key learnings for our children, as well as ourselves.
Doubt and fear seem to be intrinsically woven into the hearts of some children. Their worries and anxieties can cause them to shrink, or avoid. Sometimes, as parents, we don’t recognise that fear responses are normal, healthy, and to be expected. Other children harbour some uncertainty and respond fearfully at times. Few children are fearless.
For our young children, fears can revolve around thunderstorms, monsters under the bed, dogs, and the dark. For older children it could be fear of people or crowds, going on school camp, or it could be the ocean or the big scary roller-coaster at the theme park. The questions at play: How do we respond to children’s worries and fears? How do we help our children to ‘get over’ such fears?
With the best intentions, sometimes parents accidentally attempt to assist in less helpful ways. Some try a sink or swim, ‘toughen up’ approach. For example, if your child is afraid of the dark, it’s saying ‘there’s nothing under the bed!’ as we shut off the lights and walk away. Others might be encouraging, but dismissive, ‘you’ll be right’.
At times we become autobiographical; ‘I use to be scared, but I pushed through, and look, I’m not afraid; you have nothing to worry about.’ Or we command them to do it how we do it now. However, this communication is somewhat dismissive.
At times we might even be disapproving. We threaten, ‘if you keep it up, I’ll make you do it.’ We threaten punishments and we vent, ‘I’m sick of this; it’s been going on and on and you just don’t seem to get over it.’ Our lectures (‘I’ve told you again and again’) and our judgment, undermine our relationship and our child’s ability to overcome their fears too.
Now and then, some parents – again, well-intentioned, unwittingly push their children over the edge in an effort to show them their fear is irrational and unwarranted, and to teach them to be resilient.
However, forcing children towards those fears, even to show them there’s ‘nothing to be afraid of’ just doesn’t work. Force creates resistance. Here’s some tips, on what Dr Coulson advises we should do instead.
Take it slow: There was a video of a dad pushing his son over the edge of a skate ramp. It didn’t end well. His intentions were good, as he was trying to teach his son that there was nothing to be afraid; but he was literally pushing his son over the edge.
Instead, take it slow. Gradual exposure while moving at the child’s pace is best. When anyone is placed in a situation where they’re afraid, their fight or flight response is triggered. The level of anxiety from that response will be more or less depending on how imminent the fear trigger is at that time.
So, if your child is afraid of going to swimming lessons, don’t force them into the pool. Try being in the pool with them. Take it slow. Help them get use to the environment, the teacher, the water, and the structures. Your child’s anxiety will go down as the body learns to put the brakes on the fight or flight response.
Allow children the opportunity to express their fear without recrimination: Sometimes our children are afraid of the ridiculous, or things that we see as ridiculous. The long and the short of it is, that it’s not up to us. If they’re afraid of something, honour that. Never punish your child because they backed away from an encounter or won’t face something because they are scared.
Now is the time to get curious, not furious. We need to explore what has triggered the fear and try to understand, rather than reprimand. Remember, your child is not being difficult or defiant. Your child is simply overwhelmed and needs your support to get through the anxiety.
Allow your child to choose to walk away: Always allow your child a way out if they are afraid. Never force them to do something where they are afraid. Rather than ‘exposing’ them so they become less afraid (as many hope), force will lead to resistance. Your child will probably become less willing to give it a try the next time if they were forced previously.
Encourage bravery: Though we don’t want to force our children into doing anything, it’s great to encourage bravery. Sometimes in life we need to be courageous and face situations that aren’t easy. Teaching them to face struggles will give them the best chance at long-term happiness.
Remind your child that being brave doesn’t mean not being scared. It means being scared, but doing it anyway. When your child is ready to face his/her fear, be a great cheerleader. Tell them, ‘I know you can do it!’ However, always make it clear that you won’t pressure them into doing anything they aren’t ready to do.
And talk, often, about doing hard things. Ask them, each night at the dinner table, what they did today that was hard, or scary, or required courage.
Empathy rules: Sometimes we won’t understand why our children are afraid. But those fears are very real to the child experiencing them. Minimising those fears is not helpful for the child. Instead, say ‘I see that you’re scared; that’s okay, I get scared sometimes, too.’
Validating your children’s fears, assists them to feel less alone in the experience and goes much further to helping them keep those fears in perspective.
Marketing and School Logo
The school marketing team, in consultation with the School Board, has been consi
dering and working on some rebranding for St Joseph’s Payneham, including discernment for a new school logo.
Early in Term Three, you were asked for your thoughts on the proposal for a new school logo. Staff was also given this opportunity, as well as input from the Student Representative Council (SRC). Thank you for your feedback.
The overall preference was to change to a new logo. This has since been endorsed by the School Board and the logo submission has also been approved by the South Australian Commission for Catholic Schools (SACCS). You will start to see a gradual introduction of this new logo (below) appearing across the school, commencing in digital form, letterheads, flyers, brochures, etc.
Second Semester Reports – distributed Monday 6 December
The Student Reports emphasise the learning that students have demonstrated this semester and aim to give you (parents/carers) in conjunction with Semester One, a clearer description of a student’s educational progress this year. The reports are also designed to provide a picture of your child’s progress across all learning areas, as well as highlighting the level of effort, behaviour and social/emotional development.
Learning and teaching take place throughout the year and so does the assessment of the learning. As per usual, I am encouraging you to look at the ‘effort’ section before taking a look at the grades. It is important to look at reports as a measure of your child’s own individual learning journey, and not as a comparison to one another, or their friends’ development.
Families can use the report to celebrate successes and identify ways to support your child. A student’s report is only one of many ways that schools keep families informed about student progress. I trust all families are aware that if you have questions about what your child’s learning, or how to help your child learn at home, you can come to school and discuss this with your child’s teacher.
Sports Day thanks
Despite the uncertainty of the weather, in the end we were fortunate, as it only rained for a few minutes mid-morning. Subsequently, Sports Day on Friday 12 November, was a success. Thank you for your attendance and support.
I do especially acknowledge: the children’s effort and enthusiasm; our parent volunteers who gave out ribbons; staff who ensured the events ran effectively; those who assisted with the setting and packing up of equipment; the school COVID Marshalls; the scorers; First Aid officers; the P&F for setting up the fruit stall for the children; and the generosity of Tony and Mark’s for supplying the fruit.
Lastly, I extend my thanks to Mr Michael Musolino, for the planning, organisation and work in the lead up to Sports Day – it’s a big undertaking and I congratulate Michael on a successful school-wide event.
Consideration for our neighbours
Please be respectful of our neighbours, which includes not parking or standing with your vehicle in their driveways. Further, kindly ensure your child is keeping out of residents’ gardens. Thank you.
Rest in Peace
Condolences to the Barbaro and Spatharos families, on the recent passing of their respective cousin and nephew, Stefan.
Sympathies are also extended to the Panozzo family, on the recent passing of their respective brother and uncle, Anthony.
End of Year Christmas Concert
A final reminder about the End of Year Concert happening tonight, Thursday 25 November, commencing at 6:30pm, on the school grounds. This is for all Preschool to Year 6 children and families. We are strongly encouraging all to be present. I am looking forward to seeing you.
Conclusion of Term Four
Whilst there will be one more Parent Newsletter for this year; early notice that Term Four concludes on Thursday 9 December at 3:00pm (the final day for our Year 6 students is Wednesday 8 December). Thursday the 9th will also be a Casual Clothes Day.
Wishing you well!
Simon Mechis
Why celebrate Advent in our School?
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